Lie Detector

One day Jack's dad bought a robot.


The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".


Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.


His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"

"Dad I went for a movie",

"Which movie?"

"The Ten Commandments",


Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen."

"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."


Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you"


The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mothers face.

(Don't ask what the moral of the story is ??????????????????????)

3-minutes MANAGEMENT course

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front
of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next
door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say
anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure .


Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on
her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"
says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The
eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the
tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who ****'s on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keepyour mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course

(Provided By: Shishir Paudyal, India)

Marriage... in different directions..

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.

Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up !!!!

A letter to Ex-Girl Friend!!!

Dear Anita,

Thanks for being my love for one and half years, when you receive this letter I believe you might have selected a

new boy friend and started enjoying your dating. Every lovers needs to struggle a bit to get a boy friend or girl friend.

Anita … In order to recover your missing, I got another girl from next street & as you know this is my forth love,

from all my past experiences I have learned a lot. When the love blossoms everyone starts writing love

letters, you know very well… I have written many love letter to you , and writing a love letter in poetic way is

not so easy nowadays Anita , and it's a time consuming work, In order to avoid all this I need all my

lover letters back so that I can put corrector and send to my new girl friend , please send it back to me , I don't

have poetic references or any photocopy of these letters. Another thing Anita, I have given you one cute

photo of mine , can you send it to me please , you know better that this is the only photo I look very cute &

handsome and this photo I have taken when I was in my very first love.

And also, during my 1 ½ years of love days I have spend lot of monies for impressing you , I am attaching

a list of expenses which I request you to clear it at the earliest.

The expenses are as follows: Lunch / Dinner ; 895, Cool Drinks 2938 Rs, Snacks 5645 Rs. , Juice 3845 Rs.

Cinema 1235Rs. Internet Chatting 1499 Rs. , Mobile 2546 Rs. Petrol 4255 Rs. Gift Items 7850 Rs, - Grand

Total : 30,708 rs (in Words : Thrity Thousand Seven Hundred and Eight Rupees).

Please try to clear the above amount so that I can spend these monies on my new girl friend, and more over if

you have any of my gift lying with you, am ready to take these packs in half prices. Please calculate the value

of packs left over and deduct it from the above statement of account.

I am enclosing herewith your love letters (Weigh around 4 Kg) so that you no need to write again to your boy

friend and your photo so that you can give to your new BF.

Doctor vs Engine Mechanic

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.


The mechanic shouted across the Garage,"Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute.


" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,


"So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one.


So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "


The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic :


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He said : "Try to do it when the engine is running".


(Provided by: black rose)

Banta Singh Letter to Bill Gates

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.


3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh

*******