Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
New Office Policies
EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009 NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin boa rd under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Note: Due to budget cuts, your cubicle will be
-The Management
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin boa rd under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Note: Due to budget cuts, your cubicle will be
-The Management
Sixth Sense!!!
A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my God, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "HONEY, I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbor James dropped dead on our Porch."
(Provided By: Min Chaudhary, Computer Programmer)
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my God, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "HONEY, I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbor James dropped dead on our Porch."
(Provided By: Min Chaudhary, Computer Programmer)
Monday, September 15, 2008
The scholarly gentleman and The Boatman
One day, a very scholarly gentleman, while traveling in Nepal, decided to go across big river, so he asked one of the village people who owned a small boat, if he would take him, to this request the boatman agreed.
As they started, the sun became obscured by dark clouds, and as the river was large, the gentleman realized that the crossing would take some time. So he started a conversation with the boatman.
"Did you know that the sun is approximately 93,000,000miles away, and yet it has provided heat and light, throughout the universe since time immemorial, baring that, if it was to shift, even a fraction of an inch out of its orbit, there would be total devastation?"
The boatman replied; "My dear sir, I am just a simple man who has had no education, there is no way I could know such information"
"Then" said the gentleman "You are 25% fool".
Some time passed, and as they were coming to the ½ way mark, the thunder began to rumble.
"Did you know notice the lightening, just before the rumbling sound". The gentleman asked. He continued. "Do you know how that phenomenon occurs"
"No sir" replied the boatman.
"Its occurrence is due to the expansion of rapidly heated air," the gentleman exclaimed, " You are 50% fool.
About ¾ of the way the weather completely changed. It became dark and started to rain heavily and started filling up the little boat with water clearly making it difficult for the boatman. But the foolish gentleman insisted in questioning.
"Do you know how we get rain",
"No sir," was the reply."
" The sun evaporates water from the sea, this gets stored in the clouds which then travel by be wind power, then when they become full, it lets all the water go, over the land. That's how we get rain."
"You are 75% fool." Said the gentleman, now feeling very smug.
The gentleman was suddenly interrupted from his basqueing by a loud cry from the boatman,
"Oh no! I have lost my oar and now the water is about capsize the boat, we have no alternative but to swim the remainder of the way, luckily for us it is not very far."
"But I can't swim," cried the gentleman now seeing his own imminent death.
"Then my dear sir, you are 100% fool" said the boatman.
As they started, the sun became obscured by dark clouds, and as the river was large, the gentleman realized that the crossing would take some time. So he started a conversation with the boatman.
"Did you know that the sun is approximately 93,000,000miles away, and yet it has provided heat and light, throughout the universe since time immemorial, baring that, if it was to shift, even a fraction of an inch out of its orbit, there would be total devastation?"
The boatman replied; "My dear sir, I am just a simple man who has had no education, there is no way I could know such information"
"Then" said the gentleman "You are 25% fool".
Some time passed, and as they were coming to the ½ way mark, the thunder began to rumble.
"Did you know notice the lightening, just before the rumbling sound". The gentleman asked. He continued. "Do you know how that phenomenon occurs"
"No sir" replied the boatman.
"Its occurrence is due to the expansion of rapidly heated air," the gentleman exclaimed, " You are 50% fool.
About ¾ of the way the weather completely changed. It became dark and started to rain heavily and started filling up the little boat with water clearly making it difficult for the boatman. But the foolish gentleman insisted in questioning.
"Do you know how we get rain",
"No sir," was the reply."
" The sun evaporates water from the sea, this gets stored in the clouds which then travel by be wind power, then when they become full, it lets all the water go, over the land. That's how we get rain."
"You are 75% fool." Said the gentleman, now feeling very smug.
The gentleman was suddenly interrupted from his basqueing by a loud cry from the boatman,
"Oh no! I have lost my oar and now the water is about capsize the boat, we have no alternative but to swim the remainder of the way, luckily for us it is not very far."
"But I can't swim," cried the gentleman now seeing his own imminent death.
"Then my dear sir, you are 100% fool" said the boatman.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Two Beggars
There were two beggars sitting under the bridge for many years. There was no change in their fortune. Once God went to them and gave them three eggs each. God told both of them that they have to express their each wish and then drop the egg to the floor and the wish will be true.
Both were happy. First one used all the eggs and got wealth, health and wife and started living very happily.
Once he was passing the same bridge and to his surprise he saw his old friend second beggar still begging under the bridge. First beggar was surprised he stooped his car and went up to him.
Rich Beggar: Dear what is this. You are not changed at all. Did you not use those three eggs?
Poor Beggar: Yes dear. I used all the three eggs but still I am as it is.
Rich Beggar: How come? I used all of them and see toady I am rich, healthy and family man.
Poor Beggar: What to tell you? You know I was fond of sex and sex only. I dropped the egg and wished Maximum possible ˜Instruments to me. My wish was through and my entire body had many instruments, where ever possible on my body.
Rich Beggar: My God. Then?
The Poor Beggar: It was horrible experience. I was looking like animal hanging instruments to all my body.
So I immediately dropped the second egg and wished God. Take away these instruments from my body.
The wish was through and all the instruments hanging to my body vanished. But with this I had a grave problem. I lost my original instrument also due to this wish.
Rich Beggar: O, God. It must be unfortunate and horrible. Then what you did?
Poor beggar: had no option but to drop the third egg and wish Get me back my original instrument and that is how I lost all the three eggs. Naturally. I am on the same begging spot
Poor Beggar: My sad story does not end hear. Since I asked for my original instrument I got it back as of when I was born. It is of no use dear. I have lost everything.
Both were happy. First one used all the eggs and got wealth, health and wife and started living very happily.
Once he was passing the same bridge and to his surprise he saw his old friend second beggar still begging under the bridge. First beggar was surprised he stooped his car and went up to him.
Rich Beggar: Dear what is this. You are not changed at all. Did you not use those three eggs?
Poor Beggar: Yes dear. I used all the three eggs but still I am as it is.
Rich Beggar: How come? I used all of them and see toady I am rich, healthy and family man.
Poor Beggar: What to tell you? You know I was fond of sex and sex only. I dropped the egg and wished Maximum possible ˜Instruments to me. My wish was through and my entire body had many instruments, where ever possible on my body.
Rich Beggar: My God. Then?
The Poor Beggar: It was horrible experience. I was looking like animal hanging instruments to all my body.
So I immediately dropped the second egg and wished God. Take away these instruments from my body.
The wish was through and all the instruments hanging to my body vanished. But with this I had a grave problem. I lost my original instrument also due to this wish.
Rich Beggar: O, God. It must be unfortunate and horrible. Then what you did?
Poor beggar: had no option but to drop the third egg and wish Get me back my original instrument and that is how I lost all the three eggs. Naturally. I am on the same begging spot
Poor Beggar: My sad story does not end hear. Since I asked for my original instrument I got it back as of when I was born. It is of no use dear. I have lost everything.
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