Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
***********
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
***********
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
***********
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
***********
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
***********
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
***********
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
***********
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
***********
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
***********
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
***********
Bonus Commandment ( Story )
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"It really works!"
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
***********
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
***********
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
***********
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
***********
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
***********
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
***********
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
***********
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
***********
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
***********
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
***********
Bonus Commandment ( Story )
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"It really works!"
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Ultimate FACTS!!!
Men:
************
1. All men are extremely busy.
************
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
************
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
************
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
************
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
************
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
************
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
************
Women:
************
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
************
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
************
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
************
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
************
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
************
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
************
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
***********
************
1. All men are extremely busy.
************
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
************
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
************
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
************
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
************
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
************
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
************
Women:
************
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
************
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
************
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
************
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
************
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
************
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
************
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
***********
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
It's a Girl's World.............
If he is late for class, he told,"Time and Tide wait for none".
If she is late, then the bus was late.
If a girl is dressed as a boy, she is modern, says the world.
But if a boy is dressed as a girl, " Has he escaped from the Zoo?"
If a boy talks with a girl, "I think he is trying for her"
But if a girl talks with a boy, then she is trying to be friendly.
When a girl cries, the world is convinced of her
But when a boy cries, "Come on man! Don't be a girl".
If a girl meets with an accident, then it's the mistake of others.
And if a boy meets with an accident, "I think you should learn to drive".
If a boy sits in front of a city bus, he is mannerless and cultureless brute.
But if a girl sits in the back seat, "Try to respect ladies, man!".
If a boy gets a big rank in an entrance exam, "You've to work hard".
But if a girl gets a big rank,... Still got 33! Reservation.
If there are girls in a class, the professor gives an interesting lecture,
And if there are no girls, he says,there is no class today.
If a girl does not answer during a viva, then at least 'smile' says the examiner.
But when a boy does not answer," better luck next time".
If she is late, then the bus was late.
If a girl is dressed as a boy, she is modern, says the world.
But if a boy is dressed as a girl, " Has he escaped from the Zoo?"
If a boy talks with a girl, "I think he is trying for her"
But if a girl talks with a boy, then she is trying to be friendly.
When a girl cries, the world is convinced of her
But when a boy cries, "Come on man! Don't be a girl".
If a girl meets with an accident, then it's the mistake of others.
And if a boy meets with an accident, "I think you should learn to drive".
If a boy sits in front of a city bus, he is mannerless and cultureless brute.
But if a girl sits in the back seat, "Try to respect ladies, man!".
If a boy gets a big rank in an entrance exam, "You've to work hard".
But if a girl gets a big rank,... Still got 33! Reservation.
If there are girls in a class, the professor gives an interesting lecture,
And if there are no girls, he says,there is no class today.
If a girl does not answer during a viva, then at least 'smile' says the examiner.
But when a boy does not answer," better luck next time".
Monday, January 19, 2009
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase?
One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need$ ome thing mo$ t de$ perately. I think you$hould be under $ tanding of the need $ of u $ worker $ who have given$o much $ upport including $ weat and$ ervice to your company.
I am$ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re $ pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Je$$y
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :
Dear Jessy
I kNO w you have been working very hard.NO wadays,NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed that our company isNO t doingNOticeably well as yet .
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NO ther recession. After theNOvember presidential elections things may turn bad .
I have NOthing more to add NO w. You kNOw what I mean.
ANOnymous
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need$ ome thing mo$ t de$ perately. I think you$hould be under $ tanding of the need $ of u $ worker $ who have given$o much $ upport including $ weat and$ ervice to your company.
I am$ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re $ pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Je$$y
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :
Dear Jessy
I kNO w you have been working very hard.NO wadays,NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed that our company isNO t doingNOticeably well as yet .
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NO ther recession. After theNOvember presidential elections things may turn bad .
I have NOthing more to add NO w. You kNOw what I mean.
ANOnymous
Sunday, January 4, 2009
20 great one liners!!!
1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
SMART SIRDAR!!!
A Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest trying to win prize money of Rs.1 crore.
The questions are as follows:
1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
Sardar says "I will skip this".
2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR
Sardar asks for help from the University students.
3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
Sardar asks for help from general public .
4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
Sardar asks for lucky cards.
5)The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT
Sardar gives up.
If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies,
Then please check the answers below:
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he
changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which
means islands of the puppies.
(Provided By: Santosh Shrestha, Software Engineer, SSN)
The questions are as follows:
1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
Sardar says "I will skip this".
2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR
Sardar asks for help from the University students.
3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
Sardar asks for help from general public .
4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
Sardar asks for lucky cards.
5)The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT
Sardar gives up.
If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies,
Then please check the answers below:
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he
changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which
means islands of the puppies.
(Provided By: Santosh Shrestha, Software Engineer, SSN)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Intelligent Thinking!!!
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital.
He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital.
He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Unsatisfied!!!
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
(Provided By: Ananta Sharma, Software Engineer, D2Hawkeye Services Pvt. Ltd.)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Can you read this?
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr i n waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny ipr oamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
(Note : if you can read this, you are brilliant!!!)
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr i n waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny ipr oamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
(Note : if you can read this, you are brilliant!!!)
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